Thursday, June 26, 2008

Happiness was the Likes of Lynard in her RearView Mirror

I have mentioned my friend Janet from time to time. Last summer Janet was preparing to move away to the great state of Texas, a result of her husband's job. She eventually went to Houston, kicking and screaming-quite literally. She had her roots firmly planted here and did not want to move. Just before Janet's move, I pondered as to what to give to my friend as a new housewarming gift. One that bring a smile to her face. Many things went through my mind, most of them, things that would go through the average persons mind to give as a housewarming gift. But then, things became "unaverage". I had it! I knew exactly what to give to Janet.

In my parents basement, for some 20 or better years sat "Lynyrd ", as we affectionately called him. A stuffed armadillo.

I do not even recall how Lynyrd came to live with my parents. I know my mother always had an affinity for the armored crusted rodent, I mean, don't we all? Apparently not-as I soon later out. I asked my mother for her permission to take Lynyrd and give him a new a moving away/housewarming gift to my friend Janet. She agreed. Oh, I am so sinister, so sick, sooooo soooo good. I went to the store and got the biggest gift bag I could find. It took that to fit
Lynyrd 's
long tail inside the bag. Inside he went, topped off my a festive mix of colored tissue paper. Perfect! With just weeks before the move, I called Janet and told her that I had her a gift I wanted to bring down to her house. "Oh, Leigh! You shouldn't have!" Little did she know. I was giddy with what I imagine would unfold.

Soon enough the hot little gift was in Janet's hands. We sat on her back porch as she prepared to open it. "Girls, Leigh got us a going away gift, come and look..."she gleefully called to her two daughters. She sat down on the porch swing and began taking out the wads of paper. It wasn't long before screams broke out that could be heard all the way to Texas. "OH!MY!GOSH! LEIGH! WHAT IS THAT!!!???" yelled Janet as she was now standing on her swing. Girls ran back and forth in escape. The swing shook with Janet's own fear. It was all I could do to summon a breath to explain. "Janet! It's an armadillo. ...For your new home in Texas. I thought it was a perfect theme."
IS THAT THING REAL???" she asked, still shouting. Her husband Randy came out onto the porch at that time. "Randy! Look What Leigh gave us!!". Randy peered over and looked into the bag, "Oh, yeah!.....""RANDY!" Janet yelled. "It's not real. It's stuffed, you can put him on a bookshelf, on the porch, on your dresser, even your kitchen island..." my suggestions became more and more ridiculous. "Don't think I am going to keep that thing!" she insisted. And so it was, that Little Lynyrd sat on Janet's back deck. She was afraid to even touch the bag.
The night before Janet's move, there was a knock at my door. It was late. I went to the door and peered outside. Nothing...Then I noticed it. At my feet was Lynyrd , with a note of explanation that "Everyone knows that Armadillos migrated to Alabama because they like it here better"....

Janet! Shoot!!

I had to get her back. What I had intended was to actually ship Lynyrd the Armadillo to Texas. But when I took him from my parents shelf, I actually noticed something gross. Lynyrd was so old, that his "skin" underneath was deteriorating. His insides-- now, cedar shavings, were beginning to leak out. He certainly would not make the trip in a UPS truck to Texas. And he could not live at my house. My dogs would have him shredded before sun up. I called mom, my Dad answered. He insisted that once and for all Lynyrd was out of the house. My dad always hated Lynyrd . There was always a deep seeded loathing there. He was not about to see his return.
And so it was, one summer day, Lynyrd was situated roadside, awaiting his transportation to the Hannah Home. It took awhile for the truck to come. I got great delight in watching neighbors cars slow down as they passed, looking at the armadillo in my driveway. Even when the truck did come, the workers seem stunned and tried to figure out of he was real. They appeared to have taken bets as to who would be the one to pick him up. Someone was picked "the loser" and off Lynyrd a new home, another destination other than Texas.The funny thing is, I never took a picture of Lynyrd, But I found the one above online-it looks exactly like our armadillo, except ours wasn't mounted to a board. And if you see here is the pricing information:

Stuffed Armadillo taxidermy mounted animal for sale. Only$209.00. Special only$199.95.

Seriously? Who would pay that? I have some oceanfront property in OK I am looking to sell too.
I hate I cast off ole Lynyrd , it appears that I could have had a night in a beach house had I sold him. Look who is the loser now.
RIP, dear Lynyrd.

Footnote: Janet didn't last in Houston, she moved back. So, it probably wouldn't have worked out between her and Lynyrd anyway......


I just got an email from J at Musings From Left Field. Apparently an armadillo, looking much like Lynyrd, has been seen at a local bar in Livingston, Texas called the Wet Deck Bar & Grill!
She writes,"I took a pic of this...I couldn't help myself! Never thought I would share it with anyone....Go would be you!"
Ahhh, But of course.
I just hate to tell Lynard that the harder you drink, the harder you fall. Apparently he has been in that bar far to long.....Happy life, little guy.


giants fan said...

what a funny post!!!

that was hilarious!

although, I wish that you and Janet would have passed him back and forth for years.

"J" said...

YOu are soooooooooooooooooo freaking funny! Only YOU would give a gift like that! To think...your mom and dad didn't even want him back! I'm shocked she hasn't given you a funny gag gift back! I think it's funny that she left it at your door step! HA! =)

For real...someone would sell that thing for that much money! Gee Whiz! I'm going to email you a pic of "L's" Texas Cuz! lol =) You will get a HUGE laugh! I hope I saved the pic! HA!

"J" said...

I love it! You keep me polling that's for sure!!!!


Snark Meister said...

Man, this kinda sounds like my family's "Fruitcake Wars", lol.

tricki_nicki said...

Oh my goodness, that post was hilarious! I love the update too, that picture is awesome!

Jerri junque said...

Oh my goodness, I have been trying to think of a house warming gift for Jenn @ Dust Bunny Central. With her re-locating, I think a gift is in order. I will have to look closer at the Thrift stores for a going away gift.
Thanks for the idea,

Leigh said...

Giants Fan-That was what I had hoped when I found him at my door. I was so sad he was to "sick" to ship.

J-Ah, Janet couldnt think of anything better than Lynyard. Yep. I put that out there. LOved the cousin.

Snark-Yep, it gives a whole newe twist.

Trickie-Thanks. But it doesnt even compare with your 2 Juans.

Jerri- I think that Jen would LOVE it. Or at least I would to imagine the expression on her face. Get it. Get it! LOL!