Friday, September 5, 2008

How to Sing the Blues

As as HUGE fan of the blues, I loved that someone sent this to me. I thought that it was worth publishing. May it be that you too like the blues, you want to learn to sing the blues or even if you are looking to change you name.....

Blues Bits – How to Sing the Blues

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you stick something nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound." 4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. There ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis .

7.. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada . Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago , St. Louis , and Kansas City are still great places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's b. gallery openings c. Ivy League colleges d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you older than dirt b. you blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis . (I see a few of my blogger frans in this one..)

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc..) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson , Jackleg Lemon Johnson.

20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot sing the blues Now that you know the rules, make up your own blues song about your life
Enjoy Life,Difference is a matter for curiosity and delight, not fear and contempt.


Power Up Love said...

i invite you to visit a community of real people sharing real stories about how Love (God) has really impacted and changed their lives. Blessings...

Keetha said...

Funny stuff in there - - - I don't suppose I can have the Blues if I drink reverse osmosis water either - - - -

The Hickman's said...

That is sooo funny!

Debbie said...

I LOVE the Blues! And if that doesn't tickle my fancy today, I don't know what will. Thanks Leigh!

Aunty Belle said...

Oh! I laughed and laughed...numebr 7 is right on,and 9 , and 10..oh heck! They's all funny funny.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Good morning to my "Frans". If you get a second, stop by my place, k?

Have a great weekend!

giants fan said...

I love it!

Snapple is not a blues drink! HA!

ThursdayNext said...

Oh my god woman, you know your blues! This post makes me want to hum "Black Coffee" and put some whiskey in my own coffee. ;)

Pat@Back Porch Musings said...

"Saint Louie woman, with all her diamond rings" "Got the blues got the blues got the Saint Louie blues"...and so on and so forth...

Yep...I understand the blues and love hearing blues music.

Cute post.

Charnita's Xpressions said...

My little one was singing the blues and I thought of you- I filmed her and posted just for you.
I was in jail.....with all my friends. Complete with harmonica.....SO CUTE. Check it out.

Anonymous said...

I think you gottcha mojo workin'!
Love the blog.....

Leigh said...

"Word" up power up, that said with much respect for the word.

Keetha- Perhaps not....

Hickmans-I know. Hope school is going good for you!

Deb-I left you some good ideas,.....or at least I hope they are.

Aunty-I thought Norstomds was funny.

Mz Schmitty-I am so not worthy. And you need not apologize. I still think yer extra cool. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Giants Fan-I agree with that one.

Thursday Next-Oh, Love some Ella Girl!
"I'm feeling mighty lonesome
Haven't slept a week
I walk the floor and watch that door
And in between I drink
Black coffee
Love's a hand me down brew
I've never know a Sunday
In this weekday room

I'm talking to the shadows
from 1 o'clock til 4
And lord, how slow the moments go
When all I do is pour
Black coffee
Since the blues caught my eye
I'm hanging out on Monday
My Sunday dreams to dry

Now a man is born to go a lovin'
A woman's born to weep and fret
To stay at home and tend her oven
And drown her past regrets
In coffee and cigarettes

I'm moaning all the morning
and mourning all the night
And in between it's nicotine
And not much heart to fight
Black coffee
Feelin' low as the ground
It's driving me crazy just waiting for my baby
To maybe come around... around
I'm waiting for my baby
To maybe come around

My nerves have gone to pieces
My hair is turning gray
All I do is drink black coffee
Since my man's gone away "

Pat-"(by W.C. Handy)
"I hate to see that evening sun go down,
I hate to see that evening sun go down,
'Cause my lovin' baby done left this town.

If I feel tomorrow, like I feel today,
If I feel tomorrow, like I feel today,
I'm gonna pack my trunk and make my getaway.

Oh, that St. Louis woman, with her diamond rings,
She pulls my man around by her apron strings.
And if it wasn't for powder and her store-bought hair,
Oh, that man of mine wouldn't go nowhere.

I got those St. Louis blues, just as blue as I can be,
Oh, my man's got a heart like a rock cast in the sea,
Or else he wouldn't have gone so far from me.

I love my man like a schoolboy loves his pie,
Like a Kentucky colonel loves his rocker and rye
I'll love my man until the day I die, Lord, Lord.

I got the St. Louis blues, just as blue as I can be, Lord, Lord!
That man's got a heart like a rock cast in the sea,
Or else he wouldn't have gone so far from me.

I got those St. Louis blues, I got the blues, I got the blues, I got the blues,
My man's got a heart like a rock cast in the sea,
Or else he wouldn't have gone so far from me, Lord, Lord! "

Charnita-I am most impressed by that video! I just love it. That baby she got soul, she got groove, she got substance, she got da blues.Bravo little "A"

jennifer said...

From here on out I shall call myself Fat River Dumplin, married to Big Willie.

*artist formerly known as Jennifer