Thursday, July 10, 2008

Thursday Thirteen-Telemarketers


The telephone marketing pitbull. What can you do to avoid them? Play them at their own game. Here are a few things you can do to get these criminals off of your back.

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my other bankruptcies?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died, my sex life is in the crapper, my wife's cooking stinks..." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood... chicken blood too?"

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)~

12.Try acting like a religious zealot and busily set yourself to trying to convert the telemarketer your new religious cult. Make sure your cult somehow involves dingos and flapjacks. That should definitely send them scurrying.

13. and if all else fails...first-list your phone number on the National Do Not Call Registry at .. and second, have caller ID and do not answer the phone-screen your calls.
And be sure to go here for some great tips.

(this post is copied from something I saw. Not a Leigh original..cannot accept credit)


Keetha said...

Or - - - just use caller ID and don't answer the phone for numbers you don't know. If it's important, they'll leave a message and you can pick up or call back.

Shannon said...

Those were really funny!! We have to have a house phone for our internet but we keep the ringer off (we use our cell phones) and whenever we have to give out our number we give our house number. It works great! :) No body we know knows our house number so we know anyone calling is someone we don't know. :)

"J" said...

Mr "S" always answers the phone "Domino's Pizza"

This was a funny post!

The Troll said...

Grrrherhahahahahha. Those are great! "Do Not Call" works flawlessly if you have internets phone service from the Cable Company. Not so well with the phone companies.

My pet peeve, even if it's NOT strictly speaking a Telemarketer call, is some young puke who doesn't know you addressing you by your first name. Or, worse, some shortened version of your first name.

What the hell happened to manners? You call an older adult Male SIR or Mister unless they ASK you to call them something else.

Travis said...

Yup...the best solution is to pay the $3 per month for caller ID and not to answer the phone if a number comes up you don't recognize.

Terri said...

I let my son answer. He starts screaming "child there's a child molester on the phone." then when hung up on, said son laughs the hysterical laughter of a 14 yr old boy.