Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Change in Thanksgiving Plans


Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper-bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plates and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that the tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them... they are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty little silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table... in a separate room... next door.

Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private," meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce leaves stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: Take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart won't be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't be coming next year either.

I am thankful...~



Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bama Belle said...

I am cracking up! That was so funny, only you my dear friend. Cabin in Mentone, place at the beach? Hmm I think you and my parents could be stalking each other!

Oh, I will email your answer.
Have a wonderful holiday my precious fiend!

"J" said...

HA! =)

Tammy said...

I'm sorry Martha won't be dining with you since she accepted the invitation to my sister's house. I'll give you a few pointers on the lunch sack luminaries next week! ;-)

Mari said...

I love this! She won't be at my house either. Have a great Thanksgiving and a fun weekend away!

Glitter and Bliss said...

Thank the good Lord that she won't be at my house either. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

Anonymous said...

Ha Ha Funny Funny-
I like the part about the linens and matching plates-
The only matching plates we would use would be paper! Happy Tom Turkey day!

giants fan said...

that was hilarious!!

Kirby3131 said...

She didn't dine at our place (at my Aunts home) but she might have, if she'd been invited. My cousin is a chef and OMGoodness the meal was incredible! I'd never had my cousin's food before - wowowwowowow Loved it. The only thing - we ate at about 7pm lol It was a long day, but totally worth it.

I hope I hope I hope that you and yours had a wonderful day of fun and fellowship. I hope you enjoy your long weekend too.


tricki_nicki said...

That was so funny! And I'm dying to know why the first comment got deleted... I know, I'm nosy, ain't I?

Leigh said...

Belle- we will run into one another sooner or later!

Tammy! Loved your post!

Mari & Glitter- Manuy Thanks!

Drama- You'd fit right in with us!

Kirby- Next time I am dining with you!

Trickie, aka. MZ Nosey…the deleted comment on my blog-It had a weird link to it and me, being the personal security team of my three readers (2 of which are my parents….) I deleted it in case it was some stinky perv site. It looked suspicious. I will not delete unless it doesnt meet the strict criteia. LOL.Anyway…all for you sista! I’d hate for you to be caught up in a web of seediness and blame it on my blog. Anyway!
Happy Turkey Day!