Monday, May 19, 2008

It will from now on be referred to as, "The Stool Sample Incident"

Being a mother is not an easy job, don't let it fool you. It brings it challenges on daily average, especially of a family with more than one child. Thus, is why I refer to my family as a circus. While at the beach one of my friends began telling me of just such an experience that only a parent-most likely a mother- can truly relate to.
One of my "frand" C's sons was having continual intestinal problems recently. She took him to the doctor a few times for the problem, when on the last visit the doctor ordered up a "stool sample". He directed my friend and/or her husband to collect the sample so that it could be tested to accurately diagnose the problem. Before they were sent home, they were told that the sample needed to in before closing time-which was noon. My friend and her husband went home, only to twiddle their thumbs and hope for a "BM" moment to arise. After sweating it out for some time, her son announced his intentions before heading to the restroom. It was only then that the realization came.....they had been given 2 tiny vials in which to collect a sample. It was obviously not big enough for a sample to be collected efficiently and without a mess.
"Wait!" C shouted to her son, she then instructed her husband to search for something to collect the sample. He went into the kitchen where he began to feverishly scramble though drawers and cabinets. He returned to the restroom and handed over to his wife a set of stainless steel measuring cups. "Those are from Williams Sonoma! I can't collect it in those. Those are precious! Hold on!" she said, as she rushed from the bathroom to look for something herself. She returned with a plastic sandwich bag. Her husband was the one elected to hold the bag in place (props to him because there is no way in this world mine would've even been in the room). As the sample became to, uh, come forth, her husband's gag reflexes began to come in great succession. "Oh! Good grief, move over!" C said, as she attempted to get a grip on the bag without losing the contents in the toilet.
The imagery here for me was hysterical with the two adults hunkered down over their son collecting a stool sample, arguing and gagging simultaneously. With the contents in the bag, the 2 parents began to argue over how to transfer the sample from the sandwich bag into the 2 small vials. The boy, sat at the toilet still clinging to the pot, listening to his parents try to come up with an answer. "I know!" finally said my ever resourceful friend. She went back into the kitchen and returned with scissors. It was then that she cut the bottom corner from the bag, where the sample had collected in a long and perfectly shaped tubal form. She began to (in her words) "pipe it out of the bag like a pastry chef". (It was about at this point, I too began gagging in between my attempts to catch my breath through the laughter) Like soft serve ice cream the sample flowed, but also like soft serve, she had a time getting the flow to stop and break off. She started to shake the bag, hoping for a break in flow. Finally, it did manage to break off and into the vial. She placed the vials into the bio hazard bag, as given to them by the doctors office and handed it to her husband. "OK! Look here, I collected, YOU are going to be the one to take it to the doctor's office. You must hurry before they close!". Again her husband began to gag, "I cannot and will not walk into that office with a bio hazard bag in my hand and stand there waiting my turn at the window with that in hand! People will know." In a fluster, he took the bio hazard bag into the kitchen with him and searched for something more appropriate and less obvious. He came up with it....a brown paper lunch sack. He dropped the bio hazard bag into the sack and walked out of the door "brown bagging it" to the pediatricians office. It turns out that all is well with the child. Nothing unusual found and he is feeling much better. The parents, however are still trying to recoup from the stool sample drama. And all this took place, no less, on Mother's Day. And it is wondered why we have a day for moms. If this isn't a well enough reason alone, then I cannot fathom what would be.

13 comments:

Drama Mama said...

OMG!Unreal!

Travis said...

Reason #24 that I am not a parent.

Dullbert said...

If ever I'm debating whether or not something I'm about to post is in poor taste my point of reference will always be the "The Stool Sample Incident" ! So from now on pretty much anything goes.

Leigh said...

Drama, oh it be real. ...

Travis-understood. But it does have its positives.

Dullbert-there is very little that is off limits for me. I am an open book. You should know that by now. LOL! Let it roll. And look, you have an alias. NOw I can understand why you and Hewy did that. Well laid plans. I guess next time I see someone at Publix they might ask me for intestional advice...

Leigh said...

BTW Dullbert- you musta missed the clematis story, was it an all time low, sort to speak of course? LOL!

jennifer said...

Giggles and snorts through the whole post. From the title to the end.

Thank you for the laugh!!

Jennifer

Leigh said...

Jennifer- I knew as a mom you'd lol with me on this one!

Lindsey said...

This story is hysterical, hysterical, I tell ya. Oh the things you will do for your children.:)

Welcome to Our Lives... said...

You are such a good story teller! You know how to make us laugh, even at a story about poo!

Zinnia, Princess Warrior said...

Your blog had me laughing so hard. I asked Freddy if he had read it and he said yes, he also told me about your comment about including me (that is very nice of you) and how it’s not going to happen. He said you’re getting personal now and he doesn’t agree. He’s been spoiled, other than 1 wedding (7 years ago) and 4 business trips in the past two years I have never taken a trip without him; but he can’t say the same, he’ll argue that point but tennis tournaments do count.
I told my sister not to read your blog if she had to go to the restroom or if she had to be quiet. I would hate for her to get in trouble or have an accident and then you would owe her some new underwear.

Leigh said...

Lindsey, its so disgusting it's funny!

Welcome-Thank you! That is a compliment!

Zinnia-LOL! I am so glad you enjoyed it. I laughed all weekend and was very glad I packed extra panties. The bladder doesn't hold as it used to! YOU ARE GOING TO GO!! You are WAAAAYYYYY overdue! He'll have to suck it up. Plan on it!

McMommy said...

Ok, so I was gagging through most of that story...and laughing with "I can't use those...they are from Williams-Sonoma!" part!!

Leave it to a mother to get the job, uh, done!

Thanks for POW!-ing with me!

Lisa said...

Oh my goodness--the images in my head ;)
'Pipe it out of the bag like a pastry chef'--that phrase is going to stick with me for a while lol!
I love your blog and this post is awesome.

Thanks for visiting my blog!